Dating 101: Should You Pay When Your Date is Low on Cash?
By: Delores Jones, MSW
The first date with a man is always a little unnerving. Some of us usually take hours to get ready. We pick out that special dress and at their requests we choose our favorite restaurant to eat a nice dinner and engage in stimulating dialogue. Perhaps in your mind you are wondering, “could he be the one?” He smiles at you between each bite of food and you get that certain warm feeling that this is just right. The evening is going great. All you can think about is how fine he is and “should I order the dessert,” well because “I don’t want to come across too greedy and inconsiderate of his offer to take me to dinner.” But all of sudden your secret thoughts are interrupted by the waitress who just brought back the bill and your date’s credit card that was declined. What do you do? Do you pay? Of course NOT!
A few years ago this situation actually happened to me. There I sat comfortably in my seat at my favorite restaurant on the Plaza. When I heard the waitress tell my date that his credit card had been declined, I calmly smiled at him and said, “It happens to everyone, but I am sure YOU will figure this out.” He left me sitting at the table. Dashed out the door headed for the nearest ATM machine. When he returned, he still didn’t have enough money. I smiled again and said, “It’s ok. I’m sure you will figure this out.” Without any hesitation or reservation, my date asked me for MY deposit slip. He actually planned to use my deposit slip as a check and deposit it into his account at the ATM machine hoping that he would be able to get money out of his account.
Yes this was a foolish move on my date’s part, but nevertheless I remained calm and said “Oh no, I can’t do that.” After about an hour and thirty-minute wait, one of his mentors arrived with the money and helped him pay the bill. (See ladies He figured it out). Anyway, we attempted to finish the rest of our date but a snowstorm came, which was definitely an “act of God.”
Countless numbers of women have shared their stories with me about their INFB (I Need a Favor Brotha) dating experiences. Just this week at a beauty salon the women started talking about their unbelievable first dates. Luttra, the salon’s owner and one of the hair stylists, recalled the time a man asked her out to a music concert and waited until they arrived to tell her that he didn’t have any money. No, she did not pay his way into the concert, instead she told him, “That’s cool. Let’s go back to the car.” He in turn talked to the ticket clerk and they both got in the concert for free. Yes he too figured it out and we all burst into laughter.
Not all women choose to stick to their guns and laugh it off. Several women I spoke with said they would more than likely pay the bill, leave mad and never talk the man again. Why put yourself through that? If your date is low on cash consider it a time for both of you to learn a lesson. You will learn how he handles pressure and a problem dealing with money. He will learn whether or not you are willing to bail him out of a bind. (Yes some men think this way even on a FIRST date). Now remember this is not about you being inconsiderate or unwilling to do your part. If a man asks you out on a date, it is his responsibility to know what his financial limitations are, not yours. On the other hand, if you ask him out, it is your responsibility to plan the date and pay.
There are extremes. One young lady said she offers to pay only after she has established a relationship with a man. She believes this works best for her, because at one point all the men she dated “expected” her to pay and she did. She saw dating and paying for a man’s meal as an investment. OK?
Regardless of what you choose to do, know why you are doing it. A woman can offer to pay, but she should never feel pressured to do so. Yes times have changed and so has the dating game. If for some reason your date is low on cash, the best thing for him to do would be to request that you pay for your meal only and he should reimburse you later for the inconvenience. The choice is yours but make sure it makes sense too and it’s not just a way for him to get you to pay. This isn’t about your ability to be a rescuer. It’s about being respected.
Delores Jones, MSW, is Executive Producer and Radio Host of Woman To Woman Talk,(heard on KPRT 1590 AM in Kansas City). Delores also has a published column entitled Woman To Woman and is a contributing writer for Today In Church Magazine.
